Lonely

I am feeling melancholy and alone. I am not depressed or sad, but this is more than just a case of the Monday morning, weekend is over blahs. I am lonely. In general, I'm very social and thrive on interaction with others. I'm bubbly and happy and outgoing. I know how to make friends. But the problem is, these two kids have gone and cramped my style. I have invitations I'd like to accept, but it either means getting a sitter and leaving the kids behind, which is sad because I work all day, or, assuming it is an option, taking them with me and where's the fun in that? Play dates are fun, but I don't want to just talk over the kids, and just as Boo Boo was old enough to go play with a friend in a play room, cute but needy Boobette is here.

Just so no one gets the wrong idea, I know how lucky I am to have two pretty sweet kids, a job, a house, and a husband who co-parents. But even when you have good things in your life, there's no denying that new parenthood is lonely. You can't go out a lot with a little one. And even if you are okay going out despite the germs and the weather, there are bedtimes to think of and naps to work around. Half the time the sheer volume of gear (my diaper bag when I go out always has diapers, wipes, bottles, pacifiers, change of outfit, diaper pad, perfumed bag to put soiled diaper in, back up formula in case breast milk on ice is consumed, Purell, and a toy or two to entertain) you need to tote with you is a deterrent. And my best work friend has moved away, so I don't have that daily chatter as the rest of the folks in my office aren't really at the same point in their life as me.

I haven't been accepting as many adult only invitations partly because it's hard to manange during week, and because I have been feeling like the kids need my love and attention on the weekend. But what about me?

Weird things that give me a disturbing amount of pleasure

1. I am in the process of weaning and as my homones settle back down to normal, I am losing large chunks of my hair. While this is no fun, I get a certain amount of glee when I see I white hair on my shirt. Hey, if it's going to fall out, it might as well be white, right?

2. You know how when you vacuum and you pick up a larger piece of lint or dirt and the vacuum cleaner crackles? I love that noise. It makes me feel like my vacuuming was worth it, that I'm really cleaning. (As an aside, let me say this: it is one of my pet peeves for someone to walk on and ruin my neat vacuum triangles once the carpet has been vacuumed).

3. Last night, I'm cleaning my daughter's ears with a Qtip after her bath. I pull out the Qtip and examine it. There's big chunk of yellow earwax on it. I cannot tell you the satisfaction that brings me. Aaah. I got it, I think. When they come out of the ear still snow white, I think it is just a waste of a cotton swab.

Nanny v. Daycare--thoughts

We put Boo Boo in daycare when he was 14 weeks old and I went back to work after my leave. Well, really it was a montessori school with an infant program, but there's not much montessori learning going on at that age. As far as I could tell, the only difference between our little school and a regular daycare was that all the cribs were built so that the mattresses were on the floor, and all the toys were at at eye level. There were colorful pictures on the wall 12 inches from the ground. Starting at 10 months, they encourage kids to eat by themselves at the table. And at a year, you have to take "work" from a shelf, play with it on your own little rug, then put the work back before you get another toy. You have to roll up your rug at the end of the play time, and they call everyone "friends." Like, how many friends do we have today? at attendance time.

Anyway, we chose school/daycare over a nanny for many reasons. Here was my new parent reasoning:

1. He'll get socialization and the skills he needs to interact with people and the world.
2. If a teacher calls in sick, the school is still open.
3. I don't want any confusion as to who mommy is. School is school, and home is where mommy is.
4. What if I get a nanny and then my child loves her and I feel like I need to fire her? He will be devastated.
5. I'm not sure I really want a stranger in my house all day.
6. What stops a nanny from just driving away with him?
7. When he's crying, I know I get tired. But he's my kid, and I soldier on. What will a nanny do? At least with daycare the workers can take breaks and there is always someone else to take over.

Boo Boo started on January 3, 2005. He did not even weigh 12 lbs yet. The school provided the diapers and the first few days he cam home in these giant diapers, and they apologized. We've ordered size 1s, they said, but if you want to bring some for the next day or two, we'd be happy to use your diapers. We've never had a baby this tiny. Nine days after Boo Boo started at the school, he had his first fever, first ear infection, and first antibiotics. And then he got another, and another. And spring came, and we thought now that cold and flu season is gone, he won't get as sick. But he did. And when he was still getting ear infections in the summertime, we saw a pediatric ENT and had surgery to get Boo Boo PE tubes in his ears. What we didn't realize is that even great daycares are germy. Kids drool, put toys in their mouths, and even when every thing is disinfected nightly, you just can't avoid one child grabbing a rattle from another and shoving it in his mouth. Boo Boo would bring these germs home to us too. And we weren't sleeping through the night, so we were always tired, and with our immune systems run down, R was sick for about 4 months with crud.

So with Boobette, we thought we'd try it another way. We hired a nanny. After a toddler walks in on you showering and after you have toys all over your house, you just don't care about privacy and having a stranger in your house, as long as the person will hold your child while you brush your teeth and will load your millions of Medela pump parts in the dishwasher. At least she won't get sick, we thought. At least we will come home and we won't have to wash out six bottles and pack a day care bag, and at least the baby's laundry will be done, we thought. Of course it means paying for two sets of child care, nanny for Boobette, which is near double the cost of daycare, plus school for Boo Boo (he's going on 4 and needs to be in preschool now, plus, it's all he's ever known). Plus, she weighs a good two pounds more than her brother at this age. The best laid plans.

Boobette is a little over 4 months old. She's had one ear infection, hand foot and mouth disease, a stomach virus, and currently is congested and sneezing with a mild fever. I am still not sleeping. If your kid is going to get sick, their going to get sick. Either from the 5 minute stop at the grocery store, or from germs brought home by an older sibling. Lovely. Just lovely.

Why the Gap is on my list.

There is a partner at my firm who has a Holiday Open House at his country home each December. All the lawyers, staff, and their families are invited for venison chilli and other good food and drink, plus hay and pony rides. It's one of the only family events all year, so even though Boobette was only a month old, we went to the Open House. One of the partner's wives saw Boobette and thought she was precious. The week after the party, she called to tell me that she had ordered a gift for the baby but it was being shipped to the office. I thanked her, told her it was so thoughtful of her to think of me, all the usual niceties. When I come back to work in January, I see that she has sent a little red, green and white snowflake dress and a sweater in a 3 month size. So this will technically fit Boobette but its already past Christmas, Boobette doesn't go out enough to make good use of the sweater, and they really aren't all that cute. What to do?

The partner's wife had ordered the gifts from The Gap, and had them shipped to me. She didn't mark them as gifts when she purchased them, so her entire receipt was there on the packing slip. Ordered by Partner's Wife, Shipped to FFF, total with tax and shipping was about $65. So I took the packing slip and the items to a babyGap brick and morter store to return them, thinking I could pick out something several cuter things in 6 and 12 month sizes that would be a little more versatile with $65 in Gap credit. As I come up to the counter, I pull out the items and the reciept. I begin to explain. "Hi, I'm bringing these back because I would like ..." and before I can finish, the perky, efficient clerk swoops the packing slip out of my hands, scans the bar code on the slip and on the items, and says, "no problem! The refund has gone back on your card!"

"What? No!" I say. I explain, "this was a gift sent to me, see how the ordered by and shipped to have different names? I want store credit." The clerk blinks. "But you didn't say that." I might have, if she had given me a freaking chance to! "Undo the credit," I say. The manager comes. They call the Gap online customer service department. But, unfortunately, they tell me, once the refund has been issued to the Partner's Wife, it cannot be undone. And since I don't have the Partner's Wife's credit card, they can't recharge her. And they can't give me the items back because they've already been returned. No amount of being assertive and explaining nicely fixes the problem. Slowly, it's dawning on me how rude this will look. "Why don't you call your friend and just explain what happened," suggests the clerk. Noooooooo. They suggest I could call the regional office and ask for store credit, but I don't bother. It's not that I was dying for the free Gap dollars.

I just feel screwed: I walked in with two items, both with tags on, and a reciept. I leave with nothing. Nothing except the horror and shame of knowing the Partner's Wife will see a refund on her credit card statement for about the same amount as she spent on her gift to me. Hopefully she buys and returns things often, and doesn't worry about reconciling each charge and credit on her statement. R thinks she won't even notice. The Partner's secretary is also assigned to work for me, and I know she pays his bills. I doubt the Partner shows them to his Wife. Life of the rich and busy.

Next time, I'm just re-gifting. That, or not handing my receipt over until I've fully clarified what I want to the over-eager Gap people.

Three Tidbits from the last 24 hours

1. Yesterday I worked from home and together, my nanny and I Ferbered the baby to get her to fall asleep by herself without a snuggly chest or bottle. She had been getting very spoiled and it was time to break the bad habit. We put her down with a fully belly and a clean diaper just as she was yawning and drowy after a hug. Of course, her eyes instantly opened and she cried. We checked on her in 5 minutes, then in 10 minutes, and we never got the to 15 minute mark, as she was asleep. For her second nap, we put her down awake, and she cried, but we didn't have to go in to check on her because she was asleep within the first five minutes. And at night, we put her down at 8:45, she fell right asleep, and although she shuffled and protested around 10:30 and 1 am, she never cried longer than 5 minutes before going back to sleep. Finally, she woke up at 4:30 am, slammed six ounces, burped, and when I laid her down, she had wide awake eyes but slept until 6:30 am. THIS KIND OF THING NEVER HAPPENS TO ME. The universe likes to make things difficult, and I'm so happy she did so well, but it was too easy. I am sure it was a fluke, but I will keep you updated, internet.

2. I go in to get Boo Boo up this morning and he isn't ready to wake up. Mama, I want some privacy, he tells me. I love reading him the George and Martha books I read when I was little. They are perfect for an articulate 3 year old because they have some big words (privacy, furious, touchy, embarrassed) that come up in day to day to speech.

3. Last night's Jon Stewart was great. I love his critiques of CNBC and that crazy Jim Kramer from Mad Money. "Bear Stearns is FINE!"

Multiply Life by the Power of Four

We are a family of four now.

I have started at least a hundred posts in my head in the last few months, but have not actually posted them because I have not had a chance to write out the birth story. But that will just have to come later. For now, just know this, Internet: I have missed posting. I will update in chunks via jumbled chronology, but let me start by just saying this: a new mother returns physically to her job when her leave is up. Her whole body is physically there. But part of her heart is with her kids.